【Exploring The Jungle Between My Wife’s Crotch】

Get the wedges away from me -- the only shoes I want to wear this spring are Exploring The Jungle Between My Wife’s Crotchchildren's dress shoes. Yes, the ones you see at Payless, et al during Easter season.

Unfortunately, this is not a goal I can achieve. I did not appropriately revel in wearing these chunky, low-heeled, white Mary Janes when I was an actual child. Now, it is too late for me and my size 9s. Kids' shoes simply will not fit, no matter how much I want to wear them.

SEE ALSO: Here's why your shoelaces annoyingly come undone

But if youhave been blessed with feet that fit a women's size 8-ish or below, you can achieve my dream for me. (And, please, do not suggest that I wear "adult versions" of these shoes. They are not the same.)

These shoes generally come in three colors: boring white, boring black, and somehow-always-available Wizard of Oz red glitter. (We will ignore the least of these here for the purpose of argument.) At the end of the day, the shoes are solid yet still vaguely whimsical staples, but at a much lower price point -- and with a few truly sick perks.

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First of all, you can wear these babies with anything. You can wear them with skirts. You can wear them with skinny jeans and a pair of glittery socks. If you're feeling DIY, you can put a cool sticker on them, and if you're feeling dainty, you can lean in to the Easter-Sunday look with a dress and ruffled socks. They would probably look chill under a wedding dress, to be honest.

But, hey. Those are just suggestions. Far be it from me to tell you how to wear your children's shoes; I just want to tell you to wear them.

Best of all, they're practical, as children's shoes must be. The heel is low and thick. Often, the material is that vinyl that just kind of wipes clean. Many versions are graced with rubber-tipped heels -- an extra layer of protection from springtime puddles. No promises, but they might even have Velcro instead of buckles. Imagine the time you'll save!

Most importantly, they are basically crying out for gel inserts. Try putting gel inserts in your backless leather mules. Spoiler: It is not possible.

And if someone makes fun of you for wearing children's shoes? I don't know what to tell you. I never promised you would look cool, friends. I just promised it would be worth it.

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